One Touch, One Glance
by JeSymphony
Summary: Rewritten to title Losing Her Wings.
1. A Chance Encounter

**A/N: Couldn't resist. ((Sheepish look))**

**Disclaimer: Only own the characters I make up.

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_**Chapter 1: A Chance Encounter**_

Lily walked down one of Hogwarts' corridors, Transfiguration textbooks clutched tightly to her chest. She kept her head bowed and moved quickly through the throngs of people, weaving in and out with her eyes glued onto the floor.

But of course, she didn't get through entirely unnoticed.

Ever since that Felicity O'Connor spread around rumours about her doing something or other which she certainly hadn't, Lily had to endure hisses from numerous girls and insults flying in her general direction.

This was not the most savoury turn of events for Lily Evans, Head Girl and seventh year Gryffindor.

She was naturally shy, and Felicity fed off this weakness and got the other girls to taunt Lily, putting her in the spotlight everywhere she went. Not just the girls in Gryffindor either. Felicity had whole school support, and her loathing of Lily came to a new high when the red head became Head Girl.

That was when the 'accidental' accidents started to occur.

Lily would suddenly trip up for no apparent reason, sending her books sprawling. She would have to kneel and gather them – hot tears of mortification running down her cheeks – to Felicity's mocking.

Another favoured punishment of Felicity's was the whispered, "Mudblood" which she would purr with sadistic pleasure into Lily's ear, the latter biting her lip and bowing her head so that her hair would hide the tears that fell.

This caused the already reclusive Lily to become accustomed in hiding behind statues and walking with shadows. She resided mainly in the library, her only true companions being the books around her and the black journal she kept.

The black journal was a normal hard-backed leather book with a black ribbon bookmark. On the front was a silver engraving of a single lily. It had been a present from Petunia, the last present from Petunia. Lily felt it impersonal to write to a diary, so instead she wrote it to the one friend she'd never had

_Dear Rose,_

She would put in her neat, fine handwriting.

_Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be Felicity O'Connor. Just for one day._

She chewed her quill in lack of something to say. When nothing came to mind, she sighed and closed the journal. As she stood up and gathered her Transfiguration textbooks, she placed her precious journal on the top of everything, where she could see it.

Lily blanched at the upcoming sight of Felicity and her right hand evil, Diana Mackenzie. She raised her head and looked for a way around them, but found none. With a resigned sigh she walked right past them.

Lily's eyes and head were directed downwards, not really facing where she was going. It wasn't long before she felt herself trip over something.

She squeezed her eyes shut, getting ready for the inevitable sharp pain that would inflict her from the front. She didn't bother to try and stop falling, but her books flew out of her hands at the surprisingly soft impact she met.

Lily opened her eyes cautiously, emeralds widening half in fear and half in surprise at the hazel eyes she met.

"Sorry," she whispered and pulled deftly away from him, dropping to her knees immediately to pick up her textbooks. She noted that Felicity and Diana had disappeared, and as a result the entire corridor had emptied.

"Here." His voice was soft and his eyes were gentle behind the wire rimmed glasses as he handed Lily her textbooks. "Sorry about bumping into you like that."

The witch blinked in disbelief at this sudden kindness. She accepted the help with murmured thanks, but she couldn't get away from the scene fast enough.

As James stood up, something caught his eye. He turned around and picked up the black book that lay on the floor. "Lily," he murmured, eyes entranced by the silver engraving. James looked around for the girl, but saw to his dismay that she had disappeared.

"Well," he whispered to himself, opening the book. "One glance can't hurt."

_Journal Of Lily Rosanna Evans  
Daughter of Lois Green and Roger Evans,  
Sister to Petunia Kayla Evans_

_Proceed at your own peril._

James smiled. "One glance can't hurt," he repeated, half to himself and half… Almost to the diary it seemed. As if he needed permission to look at this.

One glance can't hurt.

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**A/N: I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't resist. Constructive criticism would be appreciated, and flames would be used to bake my beloved Chocolate Fondants. **


	2. Fate Is An Evil Mistress

**A/N: Thanks a bunch to my 2 fantastic reviewers! And especially to names are overrated, sorry but I couldn't do a review reply because you didn't log in. Your name cracks me up, by the way.**

**Disclaimer: Only own whoever I make up and the plot. The rest belongs to JK Rowling. ((Bows in her greatness)) And I have no idea who made up 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', but cookies to them for creating a fab song. **

_Italics_**– Remus** **_Bold and Italics_ – James **Normal** – Sirius Bold – Peter

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_**Chapter 2: Fate Is An Evil Mistress**_

"Prongsie!"

Sirius bounded up to James much like a puppy would have bounded to its master. As James looked up, he was convinced that if Sirius had a tail he'd be wagging it, madly and unstoppably.

"What is it now, Sirius?" The Head Boy slid his hand into his robes, depositing Lily's journal into one pocket.

"Guess what, ooh guess what!"

James looked on at his friend, convinced that he'd gone loony. Sirius was dancing all the way down the corridor to the Transfiguration classroom, singing 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' but seeming to dance to the rhythm of 'Skip to My Lou'.

"If life seems jolly rotten / There's something you've forgotten / And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing / When you're feeling in the dumps / Don't be silly chumps / Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And," Sirius warbled out of tune.

And almost like in some nightmare, all of the children in the corridor at the time seemed to join in the ridiculous dance routine of Sirius' and started to sing together at the chorus.

"Always look on the bright side of life," went them all.

"Doo, doo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo," Sirius sang – if you could call it singing – in between. He linked arms with the two girls at his side and started to do high kicks.

"That is enough, Mr Black! The rest of you, back to your classes!"

"Oh, Minnie," Sirius whined as all of the children scurried off. "We was just 'avin' a bit o' fun," he pleaded.

Professor McGonagall scowled, but her heart wasn't in her anger. "In with you, one more word and that's a detention cleaning out the dungeons. Sans magic," she added.

Cold blue eyes turned to James. "Come on, then, Mr Potter. I don't have all day."

With a nod of acknowledgement, James hurried into the classroom, slipping into the desk next to Sirius. Remus sat behind him with Peter behind Sirius. As James turned around to talk to Remus, his breath left him in one fell swoop as his eyes fell on a red headed girl sitting at the very back, tucked into one of the corners.

_The girl from this morning._

She looked up from the parchment she was scribbling notes on, and James noted again with wonder at how someone's eyes could be so green. He watched as she blushed and averted her eyes, hair falling around her like a curtain.

"James?"

Remus swivelled around in his chair as well, his eyes resting on the same sight that James was so enraptured by. He sighed.

"I see you have learnt about the existence of Miss Lily Evans. She's shy, very shy."

"Do you know her?"

"Wish I did," Sirius muttered in appreciation. James' hand immediately went to the black journal in his robes, fingering it protectively. So now he had a face to the name. Lily Rosanna Evans…

His hazel eyes roved over the willowy figure, her skin was white as snow, and he was willing to bet about as cold. He watched as she pushed a crimson ribbon of hair behind her ear, only to have it fall into her eyes again. Her eyes were like glittering emeralds, speckled with stardust.

"Where does she sleep? I've never seen her in the common room before."

Remus shrugged. "She's very mysterious that one. I don't know a lot about her."

"Mr Potter, if you would kindly face the front."

James turned around, smiling with regret at the Professor. "Sorry, Professor."

McGonagall's eyes hardened in suspicion, but when met with nothing but James' 'innocent' face, she turned around and started writing on the blackboard again.

About two minutes later, a note fluttered onto James' desk. He smirked at the familiar hand writing.

_What was all that commotion about outside? And why were you looking at the beautiful Miss Evans with _that_ look on your face?_

**_What look? I do not have a look. Moony, you're delusional. _**

_Don't play innocent with me, Prongs. You were looked as if you had a secret that you weren't willing to share. And it concerns a certain Lily Evans. _

_**I do NOT have a secret. And if I did, I wouldn't tell you anyway, nosy prat.**_

Did I hear something about a nosy prat?

_These things do not concern you, Padfoot. Stay out of it._

**Stay out of what?**

_**By all means, lads. Join in the note passing! Maybe we'll get caught and have to spend time in Slughorn's dungeons. I know where he keeps the firewhiskey. **_

Prongs, me lad, you are brilliant.

_**I know.**_

_Stop preening, Prongs. You look like a peacock. _

_**I can do what I like, Mother Moony. I'm a weal boy now. **_

Mother Moony. Ooh, that is genius!

_Hey, I-_

**Prongs?**

_**Yes Wormtail?**_

**What was all that noise outside the classroom earlier? It sounded like a cat dying.**

That was me. I was merely singing to express my extreme joy.

_Have you been at Professor Slughorn's private stash again, Padfoot? _

It stings to see how you distrust me so, Mother Moony.

_What am I supposed to do? Trust you? And stop calling me Mother. It's degrading to my pride._

I was only doing this because I asked out Felicity O'Connor again today, but she said no.

**Not surprising. Felicity likes Prongs, remember?**

_**Why thank you, Wormtail. I appreciate your support in my manliness.**_

**Huh?**

Anyway. Then I went for Diana Mackenzie, that broad who's always hanging with Feli.

_Felicity might go out with you if you stopped calling her Feli, Padfoot. _

Blasphemy! Anyway, Mackenzie said yes.

**To what?**

To going out with me, you fool!

_**And that was why you were singing 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' but dancing to 'Skip to My Lou'? **_

_That's a pretty pathetic reason, Padfoot. _

C'mon. It's not all that path-

**Look out! Professor McGonagall's spotted us!**

**o0o**

Lily watched as Professor McGonagall walked up to the four boys and promptly reprimanded them. Soon after she assigned them to a Saturday night detention cleaning out the dungeons, sans magic. For some reason, they all looked rather happy at this turn of events.

She sighed and turned her gaze back to her notes. She couldn't believe that James had acknowledged her presence. He had looked at her. **He** had **looked** at **her**. Her! One of the shyest – if not THE shyest – and definitely not the prettiest (that title went to Felicity) girl in Gryffindor, if not the whole school.

James Potter who had the entire female population of Hogwarts eating out of his hands had looked at her. Nothing special Lily Rosanna Evans.

She was almost giddy with joy.

Than she realised it was just a look. Nothing more. Lily was willing to bet her socks – and Lily adored her socks – that James looked at hundred of other girls. So she really was 'nothing special'.

But that look. That certain look. He looked as if he had a secret about her. But that couldn't be possible. Lily never shared anything with anyone. He couldn't know anything about her.

Then why…?

The witch sighed and resigned herself back to taking notes. Afterall, it was only a look.

**o0o**

Later that night, James was lying on the sofa in the Heads' Dorm, the fire flickering merrily in the grate. Usually he would be in the Gryffindor boy's dorm because the Head Girl never seemed to be around.

Right now, though, he needed someplace quiet and secluded.

With a small smile, James took the black diary out of his robe pocket and began to read.

**_1st September, 1972_**

_Dear Diary,_

_Petty is really the best sister a girl can have! She gave me this diary as a birthday present, and I couldn't thank her enough. But anyway, the start of second year got off to a rather boring start, as usual-_

James snorted in impatience and flipped through the pages of neat, fine handwriting. He stopped when he got to one page that used an emerald ink instead of the normal onyx black and began to read.

**_1st September, 1977_**

_Dear Rose,_

_Well, here I am. The start of seventh year. It seemed so far away before, but now at least I can put things into perspective. Now that I look back at all those pages, I think about what Hogwarts has truly been to me._

_Hell. _

_Felicity O'Connor and her gang have officially donated their fair share into it. This basically means the whole school acts as if I'm dirt on the bottom of their shoe. I thought it was bad when all this started in fifth year, but I was wrong. It's so much worse now. _

_At least back in fifth year I could get around without being teased. No one noticed me, which – though rather painful now that I reflect on it – was fine. Now… Well. I've been through everything, and it can't possibly get any worse. _

_I've just found out James Potter has been made Head Boy. No surprises there. He was everything a Gryffindor should be – smart, brave, handsome, loyal to no bounds for his friends…_

_But that I was made Head Girl… That was mortifying. I pleaded my case with Professor Dumbledore, and though he refused to let me give up my post, he agreed to split the work up so that I would never have to be with James, face to face._

_Thank god. The crush I had been developing for the past seven years can finally be squashed. I was just going to get my heart broken in the long run anyway. It's not as if James Potter knows I exist at this point. Or he would find out I existed. _

_Felicity's already planned everything out for her relationship with James. I wonder why he's said no every time though. I thought that no boy was strong enough to resist that blonde's wiles. I can't believe that I was jealous of her at first. She's no better than she proclaims herself to me. _

_Well, it's getting dark. I might as well go now. Madam Pince isn't going to let me stay any longer. _

_Love,  
Lily _

James narrowed his eyes as he concentrated on the green words in front of him. _It's not as if James Potter knows I exist at this point. Or he would find out I existed. _It was true. He had never known of a Lily Evans before she fell into his arms this morning.

But of course, now that he knew he was smitten. He turned the page and read on.

_**7th September, 1977**_

_Dear Rose,_

_Sorry for not writing earlier, but everything has gotten worse. Far worse._

_It seems now that Felicity has another reason to despise me because I'm Head Girl. What I would like to know is how she found out. I've been so meticulous about this matter, even the Head Boy has no idea who his partner is. _

_Which is disgusting and rather pathetic of me, but lately I'm starting to think that I am disgusting and pathetic. _

_She's getting to me. Two years of non-stop torment and now she's getting to me. I can't stand this. One of these days I've got to take drastic measures. If only I would come out of my room and actually look her in the eye._

_But I can't. You of all people should know. Sometimes I would rather die than face another day. Sometimes I just lie in bed and wonder what the use in getting up is. The only people who know I exist are the same people who make my life a living hell._

_Ah, how could I forget Remus? Darling, sweet Remus. Pity I never tell people what's happening with me. Pity he didn't bother to ask – I convinced myself he had no idea, but we all know it was because he didn't particularly care. Pity he didn't even know I was in his year, let alone in his house. _

_No one would even notice I'm not around anymore. Except probably Felicity and Diana, they'd be throwing an old fashioned tickertape parade complete with floats and music. _

_Oh god, what am I thinking?_

_I can't do this. I shouldn't even be contemplating this. I'm sane, smart; pretty sure I'm relatively nice to look at. Pity I'm also disgusting and pathetic._

_Great. Now not only do I have mental issues, I also have appearance issues. Since when did I care what other people thought of me? Since when did I care whether people noticed me or not?_

_Who am I kidding?_

_I've always wanted to be what I'm not. I wanted to be what Petunia was – popular, have millions of friends. Fate is an evil mistress. All the good things like Luck and Fortune haven't even bothered to send an apology as to why they weren't around before._

_Okay, so maybe I'm not sane._

_But god, Rose. Whenever I see any girl whispering and giggling with her best friend it sends a pang right here. I've never known that. That easy familiarity you share with someone else, that simple click. That instinctive way they link arms when they walk down the hall together, how they wait for each other no matter how much they complain, how they save each other seats in a classroom, how they pass notes during the entire lesson._

_No one's ever saved me a seat. No one's ever linked arms with me before. No one's ever waited for me. No one's ever sent me a note. _

_See? I am pathetic. I want all these things that seem so simple to everybody, but aren't all that simple, really. I can't just go up to any girl right now and go, "Hey, my name's Lily. Want to go and hang out?" I can't. I wouldn't have the guts to anyway. _

_I'm pathetic. So utterly and completely pathetic._

_Love,  
Lily_

James closed the diary and rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. Lily was quite the enigma, and, judging from this 'Rose' that she'd poured her heart and soul out to, she was depressed, shy and apparently pathetic. She was also lacking something James had never been without, and that was a friend.

He re-read one paragraph, a smile growing on his face as an idea dawned on him.

_No one's ever saved me a seat. No one's ever linked arms with me before. No one's ever waited for me. No one's ever sent me a note. _

Well, he was pretty sure he could do a few of those things.

James stood up and stretched, smiling through his yawn. Operation Lily started tomorrow.


	3. Operation Lily, Day One

**A/N: So many people like this fic. I am in awe of the power of reviews. If you would like to know, chocolate fondant is my latest dessert craze. Like chocolate muffins/cake. MUST be served warm. When you cut into it, all this chocolate sauce drools out. ((Drools)) Heaven. Extremely good with vanilla ice cream! If you want the recipe, just tell me and I'll send it to you. **

**Sorry to Green-eyed 4ever, Beatrix B and nice.girls.rarely.make.history, I can't reply to you guys here, but thanks for the suggestions! ((Gives both of you chocolate fondant))

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_**Chapter 3: Operation Lily, Day One**_

Lily woke up and stared at the canopy of her bed. She didn't want to get up today. She really didn't want to get up and face the world today. And it didn't help she had nothing to confide in.

The witch smiled. Oh yes she did.

Summoning up all her willpower, she sat up and got out of bed, yawning and stretching her arms. The dawn's gentle rays filtered through the single window, the sunlight caressing the velvet window bench.

Lily was glad for this room. Her room. She had discovered it by accident one night in her first year, hidden by a portrait of Joan of Arc. A four poster double bed dominated the room, a wardrobe to the left of it and a desk with a chair to the right of it. Close to the desk was a window that looked out Hogwarts' grounds and from the privacy and silence of her room Lily could look out and watch the Quidditch matches.

Next to the mahogany wardrobe was a door leading to the private bathroom. A porcelain claw footed bath was in the middle, a frosted glass window bringing in all the light that was needed.

And it was all hers. Her haven. It was close to everything it seemed, but especially close to the library.

When Lily's eyes fell upon the desk in the corner, she noted with a smile that the house elves had left her a cup of hot chocolate. The helpful little elves had taken a shine to Lily Evans, someone who was so remarkably like themselves. They made sure she was without any want, and they knew her every whim and wish.

She stood up, pulling on the dressing gown that had been laid over the back of the chair. She cradled the hot cup of chocolate with her cold hands, sipping at the sweet liquid with a smile. Lily walked over to the wardrobe, and with her free hand opened the doors.

She found her school robes instantly, and one hand slid into the right hand pocket, where she always kept her journal. When the redhead didn't feel the familiar leather under her fingertips, she frowned. She went to check the other pocket, even though she doubted it would be there. Lily Evans was a creature of habit, and also a perfectionist. If her diary was not in her right robe pocket, chances were it would not be anywhere else.

Lily sank into the soft cushions of the window bench, green eyes faraway, but empty. She felt defeated and so alone. But she was not going to cry over a book. She was stronger than that. She would find Rose, all she had to do was retrace her steps.

Taking another sip of hot chocolate, Lily thought back to yesterday morning, when she had last written in her journal.

_Flashback…_

"_Here." His voice was soft and his eyes were gentle behind the wire rimmed glasses as he handed Lily her textbooks. "Sorry about bumping into you like that." _

Lily bit her lip and frowned. Could he have…?

She dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come. No, James Potter would never do that. Would he? No, he wouldn't. Perhaps Felicity or Diana had it, and they were laughing over her silly musings as she sat here.

No, they wouldn't do that. They were far too mean to just do that. Once they'd glimpsed over who it belonged too, they'd laugh over it, than throw it into the common room fire.

For some weird reason, Lily could live with this, but couldn't contemplate the teasing that would accompany having James Potter read her diary. Besides, James was far too noble to do something like that. Right?

**o0o**

"Prongs, mate, wake up!"

Sirius clicked his fingers in front of James' eyes, but unseen to the other Marauders at the table, he also sent a rather violent kick to the wizard's leg.

"Sirius," James whined, rubbing his now sore leg. "It's too early in the morning to be kicking people."

"Au contraire. It's never too early to be kicking."

Remus snorted into his cereal, looking up from the book that lay open in his lap. "I don't suppose it's too early to be snogging either, is it, Padfoot?"

Sirius waved hello at a group of seven girls as they flounced past to the Hufflepuff table, all of whom he had dated over the past few weeks. "Good morning Jasmine, Emma, Kathleen, Ingrid, Rachel, Nicola and Laura!"

One of the brunettes turned around. "It's Imogen. Not Ingrid."

He brushed it off and waved a non committal good bye. "Good morning, love."

One of Peter's eye brows rose. "Imogen? As in Imogen Harris? You went out with Imogen Harris?"

Sirius shrugged it off, leaving Peter dumbfounded. "She's not much, really. The Hufflepuff pickings are slim this year."

Remus moaned. "You say that every year."

"So I may. If you must go out with one of those, Moony, I suggest Emma, or Jasmine. Those are the only two I remember," Sirius stated, winking at two Slytherin girls as they sashayed over to their table.

"Man whore," James muttered.

Sirius glared at his best friend. "I prefer ladies' man."

"Wow, Padfoot. Can you teach me how to do that?"

"Of course, Wormtail. Now observe. See that delicious blonde Gryffindor walking this way? Name's Melanie Robinson – got a temper on her and a sweet pair of legs. Go on, tell her hello."

Peter waved a tentative hand in Melanie's general direction. "Hello, Melanie."

She looked at him with a look of disgust plain on her pretty face. "Who are you?"

Sirius quickly butted in, moving in front of Peter. "Pardon my friend's forwardness; Peter's never been in the company of such a beautiful woman before."

Melanie smiled, melting completely at Sirius' compliment. "Well, that's alright, if he's your friend."

Sirius smiled roguishly back. "Still got a date to Hogsmeade on Saturday, Mellie love?"

She winked, "Always." Melanie stooped down and pecked Peter on the cheek. "Bye Peter."

The boy watched on in rapt shock as she walked further down the table, slipping besides Felicity and Diana. Sirius turned around from ogling Melanie's ass at Remus' continued sound of choking.

"Padfoot, don't you have a date with Diana Mackenzie on Saturday?" James ventured to ask.

He waved it off. "Leanne's at 9:00am in Zonkos, Melanie at 12:00pm in Honeydukes, Georgina at 3:00pm behind that stationary shop-"

"Quills and Things," Remus interrupted.

"Georgina at 3:00pm behind Quills and Things – Thank you, Moony – and the crowning achievement, Diana at 6:00pm in Three Broomsticks."

One of James' eyebrows rose in surprise. "Leanne, Melanie, Georgina and Diana all in one day? Padfoot, you are going to the extreme of extremes on tomorrow."

Sirius grinned, leaning back and made a steeple with his fingers. "I know. Isn't it fantas-" But his words trailed off as he fell over, forgetting for a moment that the Great Hall benches had no back.

James made the most awful faces trying not to collapse in laughter, Remus had buried his face in his book and Peter was still looking at Melanie, in his own little world where pigs flew and trees sprouted girls who fawned over him.

As the bell sounded for the start of lessons, James started. In two seconds flat, he had his bag flung over one shoulder and speeding out of the Great Hall doors before Remus could blink.

Peter had broken out of his trance and was also looking after James with a funny look in his eyes. "Wow. James really likes History of Magic."

To which Sirius slapped him upside the head.

**o0o**

"Lily! Lily, wait!"

She studiously ignored the calling of her name, thinking it must be someone or another going to tease her again.

"Lily!"

She only stopped when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Sighing, she turned around, expecting to meet the blue eyes of Felicity or perhaps the dark brown of Diana.

When she met the hazel eyes of James Potter, she almost screamed.

Lily bit her lip and turned around, continuing on her whisper laced way to the History of Magic classroom. "What is it?"

James played with the idea of linking arms with her, but decided that would only freak her out and cause her more teasing and bullying. He settled with falling into step beside her, talking animatedly.

Lily was not listening. Her mind seemed to have frozen, only able to think one thing. _He's talking to me. James Ian Potter is talking to me. Oh god, he's touching me. I swear I just felt his hand brush my leg. I can't breathe. _

"Well, here we are," James said, looking up at the classroom door. He smiled at Lily, making the witch's heart melt. "Ladies first."

She blessed him with one of her rare smiles, gliding past him silently. She took her usual seat at the front of the room, her mind blissfully blanking out the hissed insults and whispered rumours.

The rumours were bad when they started, and they were getting worse. For some strange reason, the girls thought that Lily had an abusive father/mother/sister (which she didn't), not a virgin (which she was), held snogging sessions every night in the second floor closet (which no one would attend if she did) and that she had a habit of stealing people's boyfriends (which was preposterous).

But when Felicity and Diana fed them this, they swallowed the lie and gagged on the truth. Which was unfair to Lily, but nobody particularly cared about Lily.

Suddenly, Professor Binns floated through the wall, looking disgruntled, annoyed and confused. How he encompassed all three at the same time, nobody knew, but everybody knew that it was his usual expression.

"Good morning class."

"Good morning, Professor Binns," chorused Gryffindor and Ravenclaw alike.

"Today we will be learning about the four founders of Hogwarts, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff and Salazar Slytherin. Godric was-"

By that time, half the class was asleep, and the other half were barely awake. Lily simply tuned the monotonous voice out – she had had a lot of practise with Petunia – and gazed into the fire, thoughts invariably wrapped up about Felicity, James, Diana and all the trouble all three were going to put her in.

Felicity liked James. Only problem was that Lily was beginning to think she did too. Felicity wouldn't stand for competition, especially a competition that had Lily's name on it. It was instinctive that the blonde would do everything in her power to beat the redhead down. Felicity was hell bent on beating the spirit out of Lily, but spirit was one thing that Lily would never be without.

Her reputation was scarred, her name pulled through the mud, but her spirit was unbreakable.

Unfortunately, spirit was the one thing that Felicity wanted out of her school. And whatever Felicity wanted, Felicity got. Boys drooled over her, girls wanted to be like her; in short, the entire school was eating out of Felicity's hand.

Little Lily Evans was no one to stand up to this force.

She bit down on her quill and chewed, a rather disgusting habit, she knew, but she couldn't break it. During her musings, a small square of parchment fluttered onto her desk, clearly a note.

Lily sighed. The only notes she had ever gotten implored her to 'Please pass to Felicity/Diana'. In History of Magic, Felicity and Diana liked to sit close to Lily. This was because Professor Binns was never watching nor listening to idle whispers, and they could taunt the young witch freely without fear of reprimands.

Even as she waited, the normal sapphire ink that was all the rage with the girls in Hogwarts didn't appear on the front. Intrigued, she opened the note to find that, in emerald ink, it was addressed to _her_.

_**I'm surprised you aren't asleep yet. Sirius is snoring like a dog beside me, Remus looks fairly lacklustre too. You're the only person who looks alive in this room. Vibrant.**_

Lily blushed. She had no idea who sent it, but she was intensely grateful to that person. With a small, sad smile, Lily folded the note and was about to slip it into her pocket when it flew out of her hands.

She watched with dumbfounded horror as Diana giggled over her stolen artefact with Felicity, whispering madly.

"Give it back," she hissed, though even had she screamed bloody murder no one would have noticed judging from the way they were studiously ignoring her.

Lily couldn't help it. The deep well of rage and hate started bubbling inside her, ire rising up her throat. Her temper was rearing its head at last, and she couldn't say she wasn't enjoying it. Fire roared in the grate, and so it mimicked its actions in Lily's eyes.

"Give. It. Back." She bit out once more, struggling not to explode completely.

Finally, Felicity looked up at her, sneering. "Who's gonna make me, Lily?" she mocked. "You and whose army?"

And like that, everything disappeared. The fire blew out, her temper and courage exhausted. Lily's spirit once more retreated into darkness, leaving her cowering.

Lily turned away, burying her head in her arms as their laughter rang in her ears. Tears rained down her cheeks in hot despair.

James watched in horror. Operation Lily, Day One was not a success.


	4. Consequences

**A/N: Once again, thank you to all my lovely reviewers. This chapter is mostly the back-story of Felicity and Lily's 'relationship'. Hope this'll clear things up for you, cause lately you've been pretty much left in the dark as to why all the girls in Hogwarts hates darling little Lily. **

**Disclaimer: Only own whoever I make up and the plot. **

_Italics_** – Flashback

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_**Chapter 4: Consequences**_

When the bell rang, it seemed as if everybody couldn't make it out of the classroom fast enough. All that is, except for a certain Lily Evans.

James lingered back as he played with the idea of walking with her to her next lesson, but when Sirius pulled on his arm urging him to go, he could do nothing but glance adoringly back once more and leave.

When she was finally left alone, Lily buried her head in her hands, breathing deeply whilst struggling not to cry. Again. With a half hearted sigh; she rubbed viciously at her eyes, angrily dashing away the beginnings of tears. She didn't bother to get up from her chair, only slumped over the desk. Her eyes drifted shut when-

"Aw. Is widdle Evans cwying?"

Lily spun around, biting her lip when she saw Felicity lounging in the door archway, Diana a little bit behind her.

"Go away."

Felicity smiled maliciously. "Or what?"

Lily's hand reached out for her wand, gasping softly as someone whipped it out of her reach. Felicity held the wand behind her back, leaning forward so her face was in the redhead's.

"Don't try anything with me, Evans." As if happy with that for the moment, Felicity sat in the chair next to Lily, moving close.

The sickeningly sweet scent of Felicity's perfume made Lily gag, trying in vain to gulp in the fresh oxygen needed. However, because of the proximity of the blonde, a cloud of perfume encircled the pair, making it impossible for anyone with noses to breathe. How Diana survived being around this poison clad girl she didn't know.

"What the-" _cough_ "-hell have I-" _cough_ "-done to you?"

"You were born," Diana hissed, advancing menacingly.

Felicity leaned back, smile twisting into a smirk as she contemplated the still coughing girl in front of her. "Oh, where do I start?"

Drawing up some hidden well of courage, Lily looked the blonde witch in the eye. "The beginning, and while you're at it, remember the parts when you were a bitch to me."

A sharp slap stung on Lily's cheek, the imprint red and angry. The fuming Felicity was now standing, her chair clattering to the floor, forgotten in the heat of the moment. Hatred shone clear and pure in both of the witches' eyes, fire roaring in both emerald and sapphire.

Lily and Felicity's temper were well-matched, but Felicity had backup in form of Diana. Lily would never be able to survive with two against one; two insanely driven, sadistic, hormonal teenage girls.

In almost no time at all, Lily backed down. She couldn't stand up to the Queen of Hogwarts. She wouldn't even try. She was disgusted at herself.

Her mind kept yelling at her to tell Felicity _exactly_ what she thought of her, but her heart wasn't up to it. Her spirit exhausted, her temper blown out. Her well of courage – which was disappointing in any situation – finished.

"You remember this, Mudblood," Felicity hissed. "You will never be one of us. Never be one of the girls. Cause you know what?"

Here she paused, taking sadistic pleasure at the way Lily was cringing, cowering. Like all true predators, Felicity O'Connor enjoyed seeing her prey tremble as she played with it.

"You look like one of those muggles. You have no friends, which is so intensely _sad_ I laugh at you. And obviously, you are so poor you can't even afford clothes which fit, let alone are fashionable."

Lily's lip started to tremble, clutching at the red cardigan her mother had so lovingly hand knitted for her. Her parents had never been rich, and Lily and Petunia had to do without most of the time. Also, the fees for sending her to Hogwarts were eating them out of house and home, a fact that Petunia never hesitated to shove in her younger sister's face.

"And you have the nerve to ask what you ever did to me. Don't you remember, Lily? Fourth year? By the lake?"

Unwillingly, Lily was flung back into the memory she had tried so hard to bury.

"_Lily, Lily, Lily!"_

_A smiling witch turned around, a blonde whirlwind banging into her, both of them flying to the ground with an "Oof!"._

"_Feli, get off me!" Lily giggled as Felicity stuck a pose. _

_Felicity had always been the popular one, the pretty one, the funny one, the outgoing one. It was amazing that she had wanted to be friends with her. Lily Evans, shy, rather plain when standing next to Felicity, and timid around people she didn't know._

_Lily and Felicity. One name never without the other. Inseparable. Best friends till the end. _

She closed her eyes and turned away, but that voice was still in her ear. Still making her remember.

"Oh, c'mon, Lily. I'm sure you can remember that day," Felicity purred into her ear. "I'm sure you remember what you did to me."

_Felicity sat up, blue eyes glittering. "Lils, you have no idea what I just did."_

_The redhead giggled in shared mischief. "Felicity, what did you do to Professor Slughorn this time?" _

_Felicity pouted. "Nothing."_

_Lily looked on disbelievingly. She hadn't known Felicity for this long for nothing. "Feli."_

_The blonde smiled wickedly, her mouth was open and she was about to reply when Professor McGonagall strode across the grounds and stood over the girls, blue eyes cold and strict. _

"_Felicity O'Connor," her voice thundered. "What is the cause for this?"_

_Felicity and Lily shared a look. Felicity looked up at the house mistress, her blue eyes confused. "For what, Professor?"_

_McGonagall scoffed. "Don't play innocent with me, Miss O'Connor. I know it was you who attempted to poison Professor Parkinson."_

_Felicity paled. "I would do no such thing."_

_Still disbelieving, McGonagall hauled the blonde to her feet. "All the puzzle pieces make sense now. Do you know what could have happened, you insolent whelp? Professor Parkinson could have died because of you, and all for a Saturday night detention. Really, Miss O'Connor. I hadn't had you pegged as the vindictive type."_

_And with that the Gryffindor house mistress dragged of Felicity, the latter turning around and glaring at her supposed best friend. _

"_It's all your fault," she screamed back at the dumbfounded Lily, blue eyes furious. "If only you had shut that mouth, goody-two-shoes Evans. You promised you wouldn't tell! I hate you, you backstabber! Betrayer! Traitor!"_

"I didn't tell," Lily choked out. "It wasn't me."

"Well, maybe my memory of that day was a little different. I could have been expelled because of you." Felicity's eyes narrowed in unbridled loathing. "You knew what Hogwarts was to me. My life could have been taken away from me. But you don't know what it's like; having a life, do you, Lily?"

"Felicity, I thought we were friends. Friends understand. I didn't tell. You have to believe me!"

Felicity scoffed. "Stop lying to yourself, Lily. I was never your friend."

Felicity flounced out the room, Diana hot on her heels after sending a hard kick to Lily's side.

The redhead doubled over in pain, tears falling freely.

Today was not her day. Today was so definitely not her day.

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**A/N: I probably won't be updating for a while, ad school has just started for me again. We broke for the Chinese New Year holidays, so updates won't be as prompt. **

**Sorry if it's confusing. The whole Felicity/Lily thing is turning out to be a potentially very interesting sub-plot. **

**((Hands out chocolate fondant to reviewers))**


	5. Thin Air

**A/N: Got cracking on this chapter as soon as physically possible, what with school and all. ((Gives chocolate fondant to reviewers)) Luff you much. Oh, and Amie is pronounced Amy. Just thought it would be nice to have a different spelling. **

**Disclaimer: Only own whoever I make up and the plot.

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_**Chapter 5: Thin Air **_

Lily walked into the Gryffindor common room for the first time since first year. She had had to trail Felicity from History of Magic to get her wand back, and then she had to run all the way to Potions. Professor Slughorn hadn't been too miffed, luckily for her.

But, Lily had unwittingly left her book bag in the common room on one of the armchairs. She had to share a textbook with her partner for that lesson, a sweet blonde called Alice. After that though, she had to fairly dash – one to avoid Professor Slughorn asking her to _another_ one of his dreadful parties, and two to get to the common room before anyone else.

She was there before any of her usual tormentors, and was about to get out quick smart to keep her luck intact when a voice that sounded scarily like James' ordered someone else to, "Stop bullying her!"

Lily turned around, half expecting to see James there protecting one of the younger students. What met her eyes was something completely different, and someone very much shorter.

A raven haired girl dived into a circle of purely blondes, resurfacing some time later dragging out a brunette. The blondes harrumphed in indignation, but did nothing to grab back their quarry. Instead, they merely disappeared up to the dorms.

The raven haired girl dragged the brunette to the front of the fire and checked her over worriedly. "You okay there, Willow? You sure they didn't do anything physical to you?"

Expecting Willow to burst into tears, Lily's eyes widened in surprise as the brunette laughed, tossing her chocolate brown waves over one shoulder with a smile and a gleam in her bright blue eyes.

"Oh, Amie. You know I'm fine. You and your melodramatic rescues as if I'm a damsel in distress."

The raven haired girl joined in the good natured laughter, shoving Willow playfully. "Away with you, maiden fair!"

The brunette laughed. "I'll see you later in DADA. Remember to save me a seat this time!"

"Your wish is my command."

A smile plastered on her face, Amie finally noticed Lily standing there by the portrait hole. Her smile grew wider.

Walking over, she thrust out her right hand. "Jamie Ashlyne. Jamie as in J-A-M-I-E, and Ashlyne as in A-S-H-L-Y-N-E. My friends call me Amie, as in A-M-I-E. What's your name?"

"Lily, Lily Evans." Lily was rather bemused at this presumptuous introduction, used to the sneering and the insults that came naturally with the mere sight of a strand of red hair. "Pleased to meet you, Amie."

Jamie Ashlyne, up close, looked remarkably like James Potter. Ebony black hair tumbled down in soft waves, curling into ringlets where they ended at her shoulders. Gold hazel eyes gazed mischievously out of rimless glasses, thin black arms disappearing behind the gently waving hair.

"I suppose you watched that whole rigmarole? Nothing much really. Knew Willow could handle herself fine, but couldn't wait to dash in. She hates it when I steal her thunder, but we all knew she was only toying with those idiots."

Lily couldn't help herself. "Ashlyne, the way you spell it-"

"Well, since my elder brother named my first name, my parents chose my second name."

Lily blushed at her stupidity. "Oh, I thought Ashlyne was your last name."

The younger witch threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, heck no!"

"So who's your brother?" Lily couldn't stop the words as they came out, she usually made it a point of not conversing with her peers, but Jamie was so interesting she couldn't help herself.

"My brother's six years older than I am, he should be in your year if you're seventh. This is only my first year here; heard some fantastic stories from James though."

Lily thought her heart had stopped. "James? As in James Potter?"

Jamie laughed. "Yeah, that's the one! Infamous, isn't he?"

"I'll say," Lily muttered under her breath.

"Anyway, James was six, yeah? And I was about two months away or something, and my parents were fighting over what my name should be. My mother wanted a real girly name, like Annabelle or Christine, but my dad wanted something more tomboyish, like Kate or Tina. 'Short and sweet' he said. So finally, they decided that my brother would decide."

Lily smiled. She wished she had an interesting back-story to her name, but since both her parents had loved flowers, they had named their two little girls after their two favourite flowers, petunias being her mother's favourite and lilies being her father's.

"So apparently, they went to my brother who was playing around with his train, and my dad was like, "Jamie, lad, what should we name your little sister?" And James – he was only six at the time mind – went "Jamie! Jamie!" My mother was pretty miffed, though my father was fine with it. They'd shaken on it, see, so Mum had to agree with whatever James said. But course, Mum finds a loophole in everything cause she's a lawyer, so she wheedled out a real girly second name. So there it is – Jamie Ashlyne. To this day Mum thinks that Dad bribed James or something."

Lily was about to talk, when out of the corner of her eye she spied Felicity and her posse mincing into the common room at last. "Well, this has been fun," Lily smiled a goodbye. "But I've really got to go. See you later, Amie."

"Wait!"

Lily turned around, sighing in exasperation as Jamie clutched at her robes and dragged her back in. "The bell's not gone yet. And anyway, I promised James I would wait for him by the fire. I think he wants some money off me _again_. I need some company, and Willow is going to take forever."

Resigned to her fate, Lily sat down, listening to Jamie's chatter. _I promised James…_ James. Just the sound of his name was enough to still her heart's beating. She half envied Jamie, having James all to herself for summer after summer.

The redhead shook her head angrily. Jamie couldn't help it, could she? Being James Potter's sister. The same way she couldn't help being born into a muggle family; the same way she couldn't help being a witch; the same way she couldn't help Felicity hating her.

Lily shook her head again, turning her thoughts to more alluring subjects than Felicity O'Connor. Oh why did she have to feel so ridiculously strongly about one person? One totally unattainable person? Hadn't Felicity set her sights on him already? It was going to be impossible to get him.

She sighed. Why James? Why _James_?

"Jamie?"

A voice, deep and rich in its sensuality sounded to Lily's left, and when she turned around her breath caught in her throat.

James was standing in front of one of the windows, hair windswept and robes untidy. He looked adorably sheepish as his younger sister's eyes narrowed and she advanced towards him.

"D'you want money _again_, James?"

"Only five sickles!" James wheedled, falling to his knees in begging. "Please oh high and mighty Amie to who my life is indebted to forever?"

Jamie looked on nonplussed at the Grecian statue at her feet. Lily believed if their places had been switched, she would have melted into a puddle of miscellaneous goo.

One touch, one glance and she was hooked. He was so chivalrous, handsome, brave, loyal, courageous… So many traits, so little time. One of these days, when she had found Rose she had to make a list of James Potter's most alluring points.

"James, you asked for 'Only five sickles!' last time as well, and you still haven't paid me back."

"I swear, Amie, that I will have it in to you, by my life. On my word."

Jamie sniffed, unimpressed. "Your word means nothing to me."

"Five sickles back in that little hand of yours by tomorrow," James pleaded.

"Done."

The five pieces of silver transferred themselves from one robe pocket to another with a murmured threat of, "Better be by tomorrow."

Lily chuckled slightly, but when she became aware that Jamie and James had probably left already, she took up her bags and made to go.

"Lily?"

The witch turned her head, blushing slightly as her eyes met those of her earlier reverie.

"Divination's your next lesson, isn't it? You won't mind if I walk you to it, do you?"

Lily was struck dumb. He, the god of Hogwarts had just asked a lowly mortal to be seen with him. Most of all, he was to walk with her. Talk with her. Be seen with her. It was all she could to do to not trip over her words and end up saying no on default when she meant yes.

In the end, she must have gargled out something, as James crowed in triumph.

"Fantastic! I just have to nip up to the boys' dorm to collect some books, but I'll be right down, okay?"

Nodding her head, still in shock, the redhead watched dreamily as her unrequited crush disappeared up the stairwell.

Her mind was soon enmeshed in the lovely thought of James, when suddenly an unfriendly tap on her shoulder brought her back down to earth.

Lily stopped mid turn when an all-too-familiar voice whispered in her ear.

"You stay away from him, Lily Evans. James is mine, and you would do no good to stand in my way."

Shivering, Lily nodded in acceptance of the threat, turning around and disappearing out of the portrait hole. When James came down later, he was met with thin air.

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**A/N: I can hear the screams of "Mary Sue!" from here. ((Covers ears with hands)) Sweet silence. Anyways, I needed a Jamie Ashlyne, and I thought it would be a laugh to make her James' little sister. He can do the whole brotherly love thing, and Sirius can tease him for it.**** UNCANON ALERT!**

**Whatever. I've never been a big fan of doing things 'the canon way', so yeah. I'm guessing you don't either, seeing as Lily is portrayed rather ((cough)) differently. **

**((Points at the review button)) Please press.  
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	6. Dreams Don't Come True

**A/N: Much luff to all my reviewers – you guys make the world go round. ((Hands out chocolate fondant)) It's nice to see how much everybody hates Felicity and Diana. I was worrying they weren't hate-able enough. **

**Hate-able is a word. It is. **

**Sorry for the late update. I've been swamped with – everyone together now – school and whatnot.**

**Disclaimer: Only own the plot and whatever characters I make up.

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**_Chapter 6: Dreams Don't Come True_**

"-and she just disappeared! Like that! I tell her to wait for me and she pulls a vanishing trick on me like bloody Houdini!"

The three Marauders watched in silent horror as James stabbed at the food on his plate savagely. Only Sirius seemed to ignore this; Peter and Remus assuming this must have happened again some time over the summer.

It was dinner time in Hogwarts, and Lily had managed to successfully evade the sight and sound of James Potter for the entire day since History of Magic. Even in the classes they shared (James had checked) he couldn't find her, no matter how hard he'd looked. So here he was now, attempting to kill the already dead chicken breast on his plate.

"I can't believe it! Me, James Potter, god of Hogwarts-"

"Watch it there, pal," Sirius growled in warning, looking up from where he was stuffing his face. "**_I_** am the sex god of this place. I've done it _everywhere_."

Peter paled and pushed away his plate with a look of disgust evident on his face. "Thanks a lot, Padfoot. I've lost my appetite now."

Sirius shrugged, grabbing Peter's plate and emptying the contents onto his own. When he saw Remus' slightly disgusted look, he smiled sheepishly. "Waste not want not, Moony."

"James."

The entire boy population of Hogwarts turned their heads like flowers to the sun, some of the younger ones glaring at the one guy lucky enough to have his name called by such an angel.

James however, only glanced over his shoulder then went back to his food. "Hey, Felicity."

With a sniff, the blonde sashayed over nonplussed and slid in beside James. One hand slipped itself onto his leg, rubbing lightly in smooth circles up and down his thigh. She smiled seductively.

"I was thinking…" She began, whispering into his ear in a soft voice, hand travelling ever upwards. "Because tomorrow is a Hogsmeade weekend, why not we go together?"

Mind still wrapped up in the hurt and confusion of being stood up by Lily that afternoon (no one had ever stood up James Potter before), James really was not thinking straight. He swiped at Felicity's hand with a grunted, "Fine, fine. I'll go if you stop doing that."

With a radiant smile, Felicity got up from her spot and pecked him on the cheek. She flounced away to Diana and Melanie, meeting excited squeals, exclamations of "You did it!" and applause.

No one noticed the pale ghost at the doors to the Great Hall, tears forming in evergreen eyes as she turned and fled.

**o0o**

Lily curled up on her bed, her body shaking as violent sobs racked through her fragile form. Hot rivers of tears streamed down her face, staining her robes and her cheeks.

How could he? How could he do that to her? He knew, surely he knew! How could he not know? Of course he knows! It was impossible to think that he didn't! He had to know! He needed to know. She needed him to know.

She buried her face into her pillow as fresh tears came. Oh Merlin, why did this have to be so difficult? It was only a boy. But then again, calling James Potter just a boy was like calling Dumbledore just a headmaster. It was unfathomable and just not done.

And of all the boys in Hogwarts she had to fall in love with him. The one who would never look at her the way she wanted him to. The one who would never love her. The one who would never care for her. The one who was going out with Felicity O'Connor the next day.

The sobs would never cease for the entire night.

**o0o**

James stormed into the Heads common room and literally stomped onto a chair. He loosened his tie and straightened his glasses as he stared heatedly into the enchanted fire. What had he done? Oh he was a git, that's for sure.

As derogatory thoughts circulated within his brain, James sighed and took out the little black journal he kept in his right robe pocket. It was his safety blanket almost. He would constantly touch it as if it were a connection to the mysterious beauty he was so enthralled with. He needed it almost as much as she did (though he didn't know this).

He caressed the cover with one finger as he turned to the page he was at and began to read.

**_12th September, 1977_**

_Dear Rose,_

_Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to not wake up one morning, or just not get up and lay there in bed. I cry myself to sleep every night, Rose. And that's on a good day. How I manage to get through the day without breaking that perfect smile, that façade of everything being fine and okay I don't know. How I keep from crying in class because I sit by myself I don't know. _

_How does one stop crying? It seems like my tear capacity is far greater than that of my courage. I can't stop crying, day in, day out. My pillow's wet in the morning because I cry myself to sleep all night. _

_Sometimes I wonder why I keep up with it. I'm not strong, Rose, and I don't think that I ever will be. I've never been able to go through one day without crying since fourth year – did you know that? You probably did, but I just felt the need to state that to show just how pathetic I truly am. _

_Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. That's all I am, Rose. Me in a nutshell. Describe Lily Evans in one word. I hate being who I am. I hate being me. Life sucks and everyone in it for treating me like this. I just want to be accepted and not cast out. I don't want to be the lone wolf, always hanging on to the edges of everyone else. I may be unwanted, but I still have my pride. What little I have left of it, of course. Along with my spirit and my courage. So many things have deserted me over these years. _

_Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be someone else. What it would be like to be someone who's accepted for who they are, and not hated because of the person they were made to be. I wonder a lot, Rose, and sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if my wishes came true. _

_But of course, the chances of that happening is like James Potter falling in love with me. Which is a zillion to one considering he can have any girl with a click of his fingers. What would he want with shy Lily Rosanna Evans when he can have Felicity O'Connor anyways? A girl can dream, right?_

_But as always, dreams are called dreams because they never come true. _

_Love,  
Lily

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_**A/N: I can really feel with Lily, as a lot of the same things she's described in her diary entry has been happening to me over the past few weeks as well. A great deal of emotion was stuffed into this, and the diary entry in this chapter has a certain emotional value for me.  
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	7. Secrets Aren't Meant To Be Read

**A/N: Thanks all of you, the support is really sweet. ((Hands out chocolate fondant)) And because I felt so guilty over having the last chapter so short, so here's a continuation of the last chapter just for you guys. **

**Disclaimer: Only own the plot and whatever characters I make up.

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_**Chapter 7: Secrets Aren't Meant To Be Read**_

**_15th September 1977_**

_Dear Rose,_

_Good things happen to those who wait – isn't that how the saying goes? I've been waiting and waiting and waiting, and nothing good's ever happened. _

_Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't notice enough. Maybe I'm obsessing too much over the smallest things. Maybe I dream too much. Maybe I'm not doing things right. Maybe, maybe I'm living in a dream that will never come true._

_I wish and I hope and I dream, and that just shows how much more pathetic I am. Everyone knows wishing and hoping and dreaming won't do anything. You have to do something, act on your impulses, trust your gut feeling. Problem is, my impulses left a long time ago and my gut feeling sent in a resignation letter._

_If only I had some of the determination that Nicola has. If only I was as clever as Isabel. If only I was as pretty as Melanie. If only I was the one everybody liked and Felicity was the one who was shunned. If only everything that I wished and hoped would happen happened. _

_If only this, if only that. Sometimes I know when I'm wishing too much; sometimes I know when I'm hoping too big; sometimes I know when I'm dreaming too impossible. And all of the time during that sometime, I know I can't do anything about it. I won't do anything about it._

_I know I could be as determined as Nicola; I know I could be as clever as Isabel; I know I could be as pretty as Melanie if only I tried. But the maddening thing is that I can't. I won't. If only I tried, and if only I had the courage to. But we both know I'm the weakest and wimpiest person on the face of the earth, if not the universe._

_I'm wasting so much ink on you, Rose. And ink is something that I have to conserve nowadays. Money is getting tighter and tighter, as are my clothes and my shoes. Even the smallest things, like a Dime Chocolate (as they call it in tribute to the muggles) from Honeydukes is getting to be a luxury. I badly need a new quill, as this one's been chewed to pieces and I can barely hold it anymore. I'm surprised that there's been no ink blots as of yet. _

_This is just what I need. Another reason for Felicity to tease me about. I might be overreacting to you, darling Rose, but sometimes one needs to overreact to realise what is truly happening. And sometimes when you find out what is happening, you break down. Completely, totally and utterly. _

_I can't count the number of times I've sunk to my knees in defeat. I can't count the number of times I've cried until I was exhausted from crying. I can't count the number of times I've wished that I was someone else. _

_Life is a staircase, Rose. You can go up or you can go down. The trip up's harder then the trip down, but that's the way everyone's heading. Up and out of their dreary lives while I'm stuck on the ground floor with a broken leg and so many floors to climb up. If only there was a lift, but there's never an easy way up. I know I have to, but a little part of me, the weaker part of me just wants to give up and give in, take the easy way out and just quit. _

_How simple it would be, to give up like that. But a forgotten side, a weary side, the small side, the part of me that's still strong and still determined won't let me give up for sheer pride. I want to give up. How badly I want to but I won't let myself. I won't give up on me._

_Isn't that funny? I'm not giving up on myself. When the world walks out and I'm the only one left in the dark room known as my mind, I rely on myself. No one else to rely on, is there? _

_I haven't felt a human's touch in years. My father's so sick he can't move and my mother works day and night just to support all of us. I can't remember the last time I got a hug from anybody. I remember a long time ago, when my father was well and we were getting along in life just fine, he told me that a hug would cure anything. Absolutely anything. A hug could cure a cough, could cure a cold, could cure a fever, could cure depression – anything. But it didn't cure him. I'm not allowed to touch him or be in the same room as him. _

_And especially now, I've given up on that. I doubt a hug could cure this, because I'm fairly sure that a manic and clinically depressed girl could not be cured by a hug. _

_You weren't there when I needed you the most. And that hurt more then the stinging insults that Felicity threw at me, because you said you'd always be there for me. You're not here for me now. No one's here for me now. When I said I'd like a hug last time, Dad, what I meant was that I needed one. _

_But you weren't there to hear me. _

_Love,  
Lily_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I have decided to re-write this story, though there will be certain elements that are kept the same. The diary entries, I suspect, will be kept the same just used in a different context. **

**Mea maxima culpa for letting this story die a long, slow death, so I think it is time for a resurrection. Look out for 'Losing Her Wings', which will be the title of said re-working. My reasons for re-writing this story are numerous, the main one being that I have no idea what is happening or why it happened. This story erupted from a little chapter intended to be a one-shot that spirited out of control. **

**And just so I don't feel quite as horrifically guilty, this is part of the eighth chapter I had written but not finished until I decided to discontinue.

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_**Chapter 8**_

Lily cracked one eye open and immediately regretted waking up. She whimpered as she felt reality deal a hard blow to her head, giving her a headache to add to her aching eyes. _Crying all night until you fall to sleep from exhaustion is not good for your health,_ Lily thought bitterly as she sat up in bed.

Rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand, Lily stumbled into the bathroom to get washed and changed. She emerged a few minutes later in a white T-shirt and jeans, her hair left to the four winds (despite the fact she had forced a comb through it). As she looked at her reflection in the wardrobe door's full length mirror, she noticed that she looked exactly as she felt: Battered, defeated and borderline depressed.

Cross that, she was already depressed, if not manically so.

She wouldn't go to Hogsmeade. McGonagall and Filch were sadly mistaken if they thought they could have invisible chaperone Lily Evans on the trip today. She would much rather eat her own head then see Felicity simper over James Potter.

Picking up the hot mug of chocolate on the desk, she walked to the window and started to look out when something caught her eye. A window seat, adorned with cushions so she could lie down and watch Hogwarts as it passed her by. Now that was something that wasn't there before.

Sighing, she collapsed down onto the window seat, careful not to spill any of the sweet liquid that she cherished. The sky was a brilliant shade of azure, the sun's beams reaching over the horizon and directly into her eyes.

Lily averted her gaze downwards and began to feel the heaviness settle on her shoulders again. By some weird, twisted way, such a perfect day had made her feel even worse. If only it was cloudy, or better yet, raining. Maybe she could have done something to make her feel better then.

The witch drained the last drop from her mug and placed it back on the desk. She wasn't hungry; she was never hungry in the morning. She doubted she would be hungry during the course of the day. Contrary to rumours, she wasn't anorexic. She just wasn't hungry enough to obtain the stylish voluptuous figure of this season.

Lily cracked open the portrait and peered out of the slit. No one noticed the inquisitive pair of green eyes as she spied on all the people who headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. Once again, she saw the irony of having her room hidden by Joan of Arc, one of the bravest women in history housing one of the weakest women in history.

Her already dark mood was further shaded in by the sight of Felicity hanging onto James' arm, with Diana not far behind languishing in the attentions of Sirius Black. Remus trailed behind, nose buried in a book with Peter and Clare chatting animatedly beside him.

Even Peter had somebody to talk to apart from the boys he worshipped. Clare, a friendly blonde from Ravenclaw had taken to the boy and they had formed a close friendship. Nothing romantic, of course. She was by no means pretty enough for him, and he was by no means smart enough for her.

Lily retruded back into her shell and threw herself, face-first, onto the bed. She then proceeded to scream into her pillow and attempt to smother herself with it.


End file.
